deeperthangrits

Letting Go Of Somethings…

In Uncategorized on February 13, 2015 at 12:32 am

I told myself recently that if I really wanted to live my soulprint that I would have to be honest in my writing and write for me not what I think people would want from me. I believe that by pouring my soul in to my writing the universe will reward me for it. It what way? Im not sure. Peace of mind, freedom, acceptance. Who knows. I just know that this is something I need to get out.

I think we all live with secrets. In many ways secrets hide the evil in you. They linger in the darkest corners of our mind yet are a big influence on how we interact with people we love. Living with secrets can kill. We know this. But it becomes a matter of are you gonna let this possess you or will you exorcise it. Im choosing the latter.

It will probably be expanded upon in other writings that I’ll do but I feel like the facts need to be covered more than anything first. My mother is a recovering addict celebrating 22 years clean. But there was a darker time. After my mom and dad broke up my mom moved back to Pittsburgh from Washington, DC feeling heartbroken and rejected. She turned to the drugs to ease her pain. In the depths of her addiction my Grandma, my mother’s mother, called my dad and told him she wasn’t doing too well and that he needed to come get me. Cut to living with my Grandma in DC with three grown uncles. My dad, didn’t have the time and wouldn’t consider being a single parent dad.

Growing up all I wanted was my mom. I didn’t know exactly what was going on with my mom but I knew I didn’t live with her because she was getting better. I feel like this was critical to my emotional development. I would be sad and didnt have anyone to talk to about it. I felt empty and lonely a lot. I would be embarassed to invite friends over my house for birthday parties because I didn’t live with my mom.

It was around the age of 5 that can say I really remember when things changed. A female cousin of mine began to take a lot of interest in me. She was at least 6 years older than me. I don’t really remember the first sexual encounter but I know she got a beating for it. I was hollered at by my aunt. It’s all really fuzzy now but isn’t it like that with things we want to forget. The abuse was never. Im catching myself in mid sentence. This is the first time Im writing about it so its hard for me to see this all in words. It wasn’t malicious. Nothing hurt but I knew what was being done was wrong. But I never had anyone show me that kind of affection before. Sometimes the shit happened in front of other family members. I just wish I had somebody in my corner. That I could talk to. That could help me make sense of all this madness. I was a sexualized at a young age and nobody could turn it off.

Cut to living with my mom in Pittsburgh after a custody battle with my dad. I wanted my mom and now I had her! But there was a disconnect there. I don’t know what it is really. During my DC stay my mom would come and visit staying a few days here and there. Christmas, birthdays, I even spent a summer in St.Clair Village once. But in my formative years she was taking care of her self. We missed out on those years. She is the first woman I’ve ever loved and the first woman’s embrace I was detached from. Looking back on it I know it’s not whining. I wanted my mom and she wasn’t there to protect me. Those are just the facts.

I’ve never been able to establish a healthy concept of sexuality. As I got older and kept having those memories I began to suppress them more because around 10-12 years old boys started talking about sex. I didn’t talk about sex because I was ashamed of what had happened to me as a child. I was ashamed of sex. I just didn’t like how much sexuality had a hold on me. It disgusted me honestly. I had different encounters. I guess when I got to high school I realized that having sex was the norm. All my friends were losing their v-cards so I lost my virginity too. I was 17. She didn’t mean anything to me and I only saw her once.

When I read an article with Chris Brown talking about being molested by his babysitter I understood his pain. He tried to play it off like he was sexually advanced but what happened to him probably fucked his head up for life. He probably has issues that stem from it. But men aren’t allowed to be the victims to the hands of a woman. Society doesn’t allow it. How often do we hear about hot teachers with male students and nobody calls the boy a victim. He’s a participant. Because if he’s a boy he knows what he’s doing right?

For a while its been a source of my insecurity. For me it feels like wearing a shirt that everyone can see that I hate and can’t take off. Its not the whole outfit but if I could switch my shirt for a new one I would. Im learning to accept it. I’m learning that it wasn’t my fault. This doesn’t make me broken. Let go of the shame and the guilt that I feel. Let go of it all.

Im enticed by the same thing Im ashamed of.
Do I need love with my sex so that it’s real for me.
How do I properly heal from this? Do I ever?
Idk. I want to overcome some things.
And grow in the process by letting go of somethings…

Quarter Life Crisis Vol. 2: WTF is Success and Happiness?

In Uncategorized on February 10, 2015 at 12:28 pm

You ever wonder when it’s gonna stop. No there nothing there to finish that thought but don’t we all sometimes wonder when it’s gonna stop. A point in ones life where we don’t understand our place in this world. What our true purpose is? What is fate and destiny? That’s the moment when we realize we were designed to deal with whatever the fuck life throws at us because life right now is about finding my way through this maze.

YRN gotta eat so I got a job, as a School Lunchman. Its a cool job but I will admit taking it hurt my ego. Hurt because a couple months before I was working harder than I’ve ever worked before to get a position that I feel was fit for me. I paid my dues. Wassup? I didn’t get the position. I was disappointed I ain’t gonna lie. So for this to be what my breakthrough looks like? I’m not understanding it truthfully. Learning to find the happy medium between humbleness and entitlement. I’ve been looking for change in a variety of ways. Some are selfish and vain. Some have me looking introspectively. Reading different books about how we I can make self better. How to find happiness. Understanding that you have love yourself regardless of the darkness. Regardless of whatever that thing is you think you need to be whole.

I do think I’ve been trapped by dogma do a certain extent like Steve Jobs once said.
Mostly because I’m a people pleaser. I want to make people happy. Even if it doesn’t make me happy. Why? Sometimes I don’t understand my true worth. Sometimes I can’t see what other people see. Idk. I’m discovering parts about my personality I don’t fuck with. The dark side even but I get that my insecurities and idiosyncrasies are apart of who I am. They are needed as well for my future success.

As this is going on opportunities/ideas are going on in my head all day because I really realize that I’m 26, with no kids, no car, no house, no girl nothing to keep me anywhere.
That might be scary because I thought by this age I’d have at least have one of those things right? I’m beginning to understand that the human experience is not about having as much as it is about being. Just being you and being received and loved for being you.

I have an opportunity to move out of the city that I believe is my calling. I applied to a fellowship that allows people from different sectors of industry teach in the much needed schools of New York City. I’m really excited about this because it is the one of the first times I’ve actually done something that I didn’t tell anybody about previously. I didn’t do it for show. I did it for me. I’ve solicited prayers and prayed for myself and it IS working. I don’t feel as scared as I used to to make mistakes. The realization that there is nothing holding me back except me is a weight I can finally let go of. Jobs, love, travel.

My fear of letting go and having faith has hindered me but I believe it has also been my protection. There are so many life situations I haven’t experienced that my friends have. Honestly at times I’ve been envious but many of them tell me to count my blessings and that the things I wish I had are the things about me that they admire the most.

I may have to leave what I love have behind to find something new. I have to be open to change. Change is the only constant. I guess it hurts because as a dreamer you see things the way you want to see them and when reality smacks you in the face with change it forces you to switch up your fighting stance. I see myself as vulnerable sometimes but I know Im strong. I know I have what it takes to really do something great. I just dont know what it is or what is will be.

Knowing that you may be alone in your walk and how great that can be if we just trust and believing that everything will work out the way its supposed to.

Fussing, Fighting, and Carrying On

In Uncategorized on October 22, 2014 at 7:30 pm

So as you get into reading this you might sense that this is another one of “those” blogs coming from “those” bloggers. You know the type. Think they know everything about Black women, hates his mama, loves white women, or is a “weak” Black man. I can say with sheer confidence that I am not that guy and dont possess any of those feelings. Today I’d like to talk about the argumentative nature of Black women and why it is a hindrance to Black relationships everywhere.

Now you may Grits all races of women argue, Why you singling out the Sistas?
Well two reasons.

1. I can’t say that I have ever seriously dated a white woman/any other race
2. I don’t care about what other women do, I care about what Black women do.

That being said I’d like to analyze some phrases I’ve heard from Black women.

“I need a man who can put me in my place”
“I don’t want a pushover”
“He needs to be able to check me when I’m wrong”
and my all time f’avorite, “He has to be able to tell me no”

Even my mom says shit like that and she’s married. I’ve wondered though where do all of these feelings of essentially wanting to be disciplined come from?

Now Im not going to say that all of these feelings/phrases are rooted in black women suffering from dreaded “Daddy Issues” but it really leaves me to think sometimes…

Why THE FUCK are you looking to someone else to fix YOUR ATTITUDE?

Don’t you have any self control? Where is your home training?

Now in relationships there will be disagreements, there may even be debates, to be constantly arguing about frivolous shit just for the sake of it only to desire to be “put in your place” is so fucking off kilter and childish that I can’t wholeheartedly entertain a woman that combative.

I understand that no woman wants a pushover. However what some Black women need to realize is…

“MOST MEN DON’T GIVE A FUCK ENOUGH TO ARGUE WITH YOU”

Realest shit I ever wrote. It’s truth. Most men don’t want to argue. Most men want the woman they’re dating/interested in to be happy by any means necessary. The problem is and listen very closely to what I’m about to say is…

MANY WOMEN EQUATE ANGER WITH PASSION.
IF HE GETS ANGRY THAT MEANS HE REALLY GIVES A FUCK.

Wrong. Wrong.

Getting angry doesn’t mean he truly cares. It means that you have done more than enough to disturb his inner peace and now he pissed off which makes you excited. What kind of sick shit is this?

Im bout to get real. My Dad is in a bad marriage. My stepmom does everything in her power to make my dad angry probably so she can provoke him to hit her. However my Dad is the epitome of cool. If he can avoid an argument he will. All he wants to do is go to his room, play with my two little brothers, and chill. However my stepmom’s incessant anger makes her disturb his peace anytime she gets. And I love my stepmom but I gotta keep it real.

It’s always been a fear of mine to be in a relationship with a woman who likes to argue all the time. I’ve dealt with a few who had to challenge everything I thought, everything I said simply for the sake of arguing. It would drain the FUCK outta me and ultimately would lead me to NEVER want to fuck with them or women like them again.

In conclussion I want to say that it is not your man’s role to “fix your attitude”, “put you in your place”, or “check you”. Look in the mirror. You see that person? Yeah. All of those duties belong to the person you’re looking at. Not the dude cooking for you, laying the pipe, and rolling your blunts.
Let’s try not arguing and just try being nice.

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